YES, it’s the Sixth Edition of ODD SHOTS and IDLE PENSEES!
So, kick back, here are MORE ACTUAL Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays:
- The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
- The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
- The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- She was as easy as the T.V. Guide crossword.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
- Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Not to be Outdone, College freshmen contribute the following (misspellings and all):
- There was Upper Egypt and Lower Egypt. Lower Egypt was actually farther up than Upper Egypt, which was, of course, lower down than the upper part. This is why we learn geography as a factor in history.
- Babylon was similar to Egypt because of the differences they had apart from each other. Egypt, for example, had only Egyptians, but Babylon had Summarians, Acadians and Canadians, to name just a few.
- Moses was told by Jesus Christ to lead the people out of Egypt into the Sahaira Desert. The Book of Exodus describes this trip and the amazing things that happened on it, including the Ten Commandments, various special effects, and the building of the Suez Canal.
- The warmth and friendship of the mystery cults attracted many, who came to feel better through dancing and mutilation.
- Eventually Christian started the new religion with sayings like, “The mice shall inherit the earth.” Later Christians fortunately abandoned this idea.
- The Sophists justified themselves by changing relatives whenever this needed to be done.
- Roman upperclass men demanded to be known as Patricia.
- During the Middle Ages everyone was middle aged.
- In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular.
- The plague also helped the emergance of the English language as the national language of England, France and Italy.
- Man was determined to civilize himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll!
- Traditions had become so oppressive they too were crushed in the wake of man’s quest for ressurection above the not-just-social beast he had become.
- The Popes, of course, were usually Catholic.
- The German Emperor’s lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years.
- Russian nobles wore clothes only to humour Peter the Great.
- Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a city population of one million people, two million able bodies were on the loose.
- Voting was done by ballad.
- Richard Strauss, who was violent but methodical like his wife made him, plunged into vicious and perverse plays.
- At war, people get killed, and then they aren’t people anymore, but friends.
- According to Fromm, individuation began historically in medieval times. This is a period of small childhood. There is increasing experience as adolescence experiences its life development. The last stage is us.
Gobbledy-Gook Accomplished After High School and College:
- “They were absent in the past, or not as present as they might have been.”
- “The British Admiral said the cruiser provided a threat to the fleet, as did Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.”
- “Mr. Begin has offered to let each member of the PLO to leave Lebanon carrying an arm.” They had to leave the other one and both legs.
- “It was a terrible thing when our family lost its absolute sovereignty over the Iranian people.” – Shah of Iran’s wife, Mrs. Pahlavi, 2004, PBS.
- “When Quanah Parker passed, it was said that his passing was not just his passing, but the passing of the past – as well.” Pass the peas, please.
- “We work with predators, uh, creditors nationwide.” – Local T.V. ad.
- “The gnawing question of the Donner Party is, what would I have done?”
A Little More High Hilarity: ALEXANDER THE GREAT by Will Cuppy.
Serious Notes:
Marijuana Papers:
Going on four generations now, propaganda and lies have relentlessly drained taxpayer’s money to build government’s anti-drug machine and the conditions of a police state. Virtually every state is in the midst of the biggest prison expansion ever in America’s and the world’s history, creating political vultures only concerned for the growth of their prison-related crime-fighting industry and job security. They demand more prisons and more money to pursue this “law and order” madness against an invented crime.
We can moderate society’s problems and reject the police state by simply legalizing marijuana. We can clear the jails, and re-employ police, court, prison and rehabilitation staff to deal with real crime and hard drug abuse. We can put money into our schools and health care without raising anyone’s taxes. We can also stop lying to ourselves, and end a terrible multi-generational injustice. READ MORE: MARIJUANA PAPERS
Honest Abe, Dishonest Republicans:
The contrast between Abraham Lincoln and the modern Republican Party is glaring. Lincoln fought for democracy and union. Modern Republicans fight for money and self-interest. Lincoln was (by report) an unassuming and humble man; name one modern Republican who is not awash in arrogance and hubris. Lincoln built the Transcontinental Railroad and won the Civil War; the present crop created the second Great Republican Recession and mired us in two unwinnable wars. Lincoln worked for “One Nation Indivisible”, freedom and justice; modern Republicans work to divide, oppress and reject. Lincoln had hope for our country; the moderns have only fears for, and of it. This comparison can continue a long way – Think of “Abe-Them” pairs in your own experience. Disgusting, ain’t it?
The fact that they are uncritical boosters of unscrupulous transnational corporations clearly reveals them as against the people of the United States. It is better to vote Independent than to cast one more ballot for these reactionary, oppressive, authoritarian Republican control freaks. “One Nation Indivisible.” Period. Support freedom, justice and equality.
READ MORE: CORPORATIONS + PARALLEL UNIVERSES
For more political images, TheAttic Gallery: POLITICAL MEMORABILIA
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