FUNNY STUFF:
From The Original Hollywood Squares TV Show – Peter Marshall host. Questions and answers from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted.
Q: Do female frogs croak? A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: If you’re going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false…a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q: You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you a man or a woman? A: Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he’s really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he’s married? A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish, as you get older? A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say, “I love you”? A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: What are “Do It”, “I Can Help” and “Can’t Get Enough”? A: George Gobel: I don’t know but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking? A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather? A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily
Q: Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year? A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I’m too busy growing strawberries!
Q: In bowling, what’s a perfect score? A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do? A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting “Poo! Poo! Poo!” what does that mean? A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body – what is it? A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn’t neglected!
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A: Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: James Stewart did it over 20 years ago, when he was 41 years old. Now he says it was “one of the best things I ever did.” What was it? A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
RELATED, but maybe not so funny: BECK’S CROCODILE TEARS
Hillary Clinton was mocked for correctly stating that there is a “vast rightwing conspiracy in America.” We keep dancing all around the edges, but I think we have to take this thing head-on. READ MORE: HOW TO FIGHT CORPORATISTS; AWFUL THINGS REPUBLICANS DO; REPUBLICAN INSURANCE NAZIS
- Uncle Sam Lost
ABOUT WAR:
Impression of Alexander the Great addressing his men when they refused to go on:
“Men, I don’t know why the gods set us on this great course, and what may be incomprehensible to me, must be doubly so for you. And that’s why we have to go on, land after land, obstacle after obstacle, killing everyone who stands in our way, until the gods finally reveal their very great purpose to us.”
His men thought:
1: Here we have one more useless heroic gesture from the parapet.
2: It’s done to boost confidence/morale: cast admiring glances, swell with pride, rush/thrill with excitement, ache for the bittersweet glory of battle.
3. Battle sucks, he’s a putz; and I hope they shoot his ass off before they get mine.
For some reason, his guys bought it; or maybe it was the execution of all the chief dissenters that encouraged the survivors’ understanding and will to carry on.
The troops who march off to war singing generally return silently if they return at all. There is no sport in war, no winners, everybody loses, and the end result is disaster for some, and lifetime wounds for the rest – invisible, or not, we’re all disabled, dehumanized, and diminished by it, even non-combatants. Even so, there are always those who yearn for Armageddon, who work for and revel in it, a giant I-told-you-so and a thumb in the eye for all the rest of us who must be made to suffer for ignoring them, I suppose.
The foolish gestures of war; the real heroism clichéd and trite, so prosaic, so real, is desperate stuff – what we console ourselves with as we face or lie dying, contemplate the dead, justify the holocaust. Innocence, forever startled. There is no glory, no promise, and no hope in warfare. Just blood. READ MORE: WAR and TOXIC TEXAS TEXTBOOKS; ALEXANDER THE GREAT
“Where Books Are Burned, In The End People Will Burn.” – Heinrich Heine
Due to the circus, led by the hateful loonies of Dove Outreach, Dr. Muqtedar Khan counsels fellow-Muslims, if they see Qurans burning, to “recognize this provocation for what it is,” to “let Terry Jones enjoy the monopoly on barbarity,” to heed the Quran: “Forgive them and overlook their misdeeds, for Allah loves those who are kind.” The Nazis, he suggests, taught us all we need to know.
“Books are repositories of histories, of identities, of values. They are the soul of civilization. A society must abandon basic decencies to burn books as a celebratory act. Once it starts burning the souls of civilization, human souls will not be left behind.”
LIFE’S SWEET MYSTERY: Winding Down.
The overall point of the exploration – from my perspective – is to know. I’ve found that keeping the goal simple is best. Persons benefiting from robberies, rapes and murders do not care about patterns or predictable outcomes. As long as they profit in some wise, their behavior goes unchecked. The rest of us generally seem to suffer in silence until the pain becomes too great. Cassandra predicted the fall of Troy, while the other Trojans gossiped about Paris and Helen’s big “celebrity sex scandal.” Thus,
Taoists advise, Go with the flow.
Buddha says, Go forth in joyful participation in the sorrows of the world.
Joseph Campbell counsels, Follow your bliss.
Jacques Cousteau confesses, “I hope for the best, although I can’t say why.”
Gandhi directs, “Act. Without action there will be no result. You may not see it in your lifetime, but without the action there will be no result at all.”
FatLemon encourages, “Keep on keepin’ on, and don’t forget to salute the Man in the Moon.”
Our blessing and our curse is that we are able to see so much, and are still so nearly blind.
Loyd Blankfein, CEO Goldman Sachs. Just say, “Yes!”
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