ON A “HAPPIER” NOTE (If one ignores the apparent deterioration of human intelligence in general):
Who says our teenagers aren’t creative?
Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays
· Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
· His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
· He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the danger of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
· She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
· She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
· Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
· He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
· The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
· The little boat drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
· McBride fell twelve stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
· From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
· Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
· Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m., traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
· They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
· John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
· The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
· He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
We must do something about education. Catch ya later, j
Tags: do something about education, funny, funny high school essays, hefty bag full of tomato soup, jokes teenagers, real duck that was actually lame, student humor, two hummingbirds who never met, underpants in a dryer without cling free, unlike Phil this plan might work